Triggers. We all have them. As much as I would like to say that I don’t…. I do. More than I would like to admit sometimes. And being a mom especially can pull my triggers to the surface, quick. All of our triggers look different… what are yours? Mine start with messes. I know, right? Kids = Messes. I missed that memo somehow when I got pregnant. Some days it seems that everywhere I look there is a mess. Toys everywhere, food on the counter and the floor beneath, trains and matching cards all over the table, the board game still sitting on the coffee table, dice scattered. It feels like if I don’t follow them around picking up, wiping up, washing up, the evenings become overwhelming in “clean up”. Another one for me is loud. And boys are loud. They wrestle, and giggle, and scream and run and tackle and pounce. And just when I want to sit down with a good cup of coffee and a few moments to breathe I hear that shriveling scream come from other room that makes me jump up and yell “knock it off!!”.
But there are other triggers that come with being a mom… spiritual triggers. The ones that leave our souls feeling empty and our bodies exhausted. I know personally that when I get over-tired, my triggers float to the surface, ready to come out at any given wrong moment. Fatigue can steal all my joy and leave me grouchy. As I have talked about before, we have one boy that doesn’t sleep great. After a month of fighting bad dreams, sickness, and his just up and down all night for who knows why, I am worn.
Another one is guilt… I need to give more attention to my children. I should play one more game with them. I could have snuggled him a little longer this morning. I should make treats more often. All of these phrases float across my mind. Guilt hits me hardest when I am tired. When I begin to feel empty on the inside, its like my mommy brain tells me I’m not doing enough. I wrestle with feeling like I should be doing everything better.
Identity is also a big one. The transition of identity from who we were to who we are becoming. Who am I anymore? I used to be a successful athlete, a career woman, and sometimes I look in the mirror and think “How did I get here?”. Is there really more to life than just cleaning up messes everyday and doing laundry? I know it is for a season and one day I will enter the adult world again but for now it is tractors, messes, little boys, and clean ups.
All of these triggers come and go throughout the season of mommy-hood. But I think the most important thing is being a mommy who walks with God. I want my children to see me walking with Him daily. My dream is not to be the next big CEO or raise the smartest kids, or be some kind of “super-mom”. But to love Jesus…and lead them in a way that they too will become independent grown men who love Jesus too.